By: Maggie DeBerry
We often consider boundaries the lines we draw between ourselves and others. Still,
some of the most transformative boundaries are the ones we set within ourselves – boundaries that protect our peace, guide our decisions, and shape our inner world. Having practical and tangible boundaries with individuals in our lives is incredibly important. However, sometimes, even after we put boundaries in place, we still wrestle with feelings of guilt, anger, or even sadness. This is particularly prevalent in dealing with individuals who are resist change or seek to destructively manipulate self-centered outcomes.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist, a world leading expert on narcissistic
personalities, confirms it is essential to recognize and accept unchangeable behavior and adjust expectations and proactively broach responses to recurrent negative outcomes accordingly. Boundaries are there to protect us, but sometimes, we need to take them a step further by establishing internal boundaries to protect our mental health, especially in dealing with narcissistic individuals.
1. Accept & Recognize: We must radically accept and recognize that specific individuals are unlikely to change their behavior. If we acknowledge this reality, we can adjust our expectations and reduce the emotional impact of their behavior.
2. Boundaries Do Not Need to Be Said Out Loud: Sometimes, verbalizing our boundaries invites others to "mess with us." Instead, set internal boundaries, knowing specific topics are off-limits. This is a private decision that is more about building resilience than it is about having to be correct or put others on notice. Boundaries are a self-talk inside game.
3. Identify Your Needs & Limits: You must identify needs and limits on the way to
having a maintainable response when needed. This means being able to recognize what
stresses you out or makes you uncomfortable. Keep track of these triggers and cues as
they arise and lead your mind to take back your feelings.
4. Separate Your Feelings: Learn to separate your feelings from others' emotions. We can acknowledge others' feelings and what they are going through, but this does not mean we must take them on. We can show compassion and kindness, recognizing that their challenges are not yours. You are not responsible for them, their choices, their
consequences, or their outcomes.
5. Define Clear Internal Rules for Yourself: For example, think and say to yourself, "I
will not take responsibility for others' emotions." These rules protect us from strong,
devastating feelings that are outside of our control. This is especially true when it is an
individual particularly close to us. By creating these rules, we are able to build resilience
in our personhood, which takes time but will eventually become a natural response.
Suppose you recognize strong feelings of anger, sadness, anxiety, and feelings of being overwhelmed, and you recognize that these are coming from a person or a situation. In that case, it might be time to walk through this process. Take a moment to think through your emotions to establish stability on the way to achieving mental clarity. This effort will likely ruffle feathers of the hostage takers around you. In these situations, it's important to remember the only emotions you are responsible for are your own. It’s time to make your own needs a priority.